Honesty & Me First
Most of you know about EK. How she was a huge surprise & totally flipped our lives upside down. If you have read my blog, you know that her birth (C-section) 3 1/2 years ago (6 weeks early) & what should have been a glorious occasion resulted in one of the most horrific experiences of my life- all thanks to an "on call" Doctor. 6 weeks after she was born, my doctor diagnosed me with PTSD. I was in denial about it, and even felt guilty & stupid about the diagnosis. To me, PTSD was reserved for our military who had seen and been involved on horrible tragedies, or survivors of horrible crimes- not a Mom who went through a botched surgery.
For 2 years, Dr. T tried to prescribe me something to "just make me feel ok". I refused, and never took any medications he suggested. I told him I would "be ok", and I continued on with my "life". The stigma of needing any medication to function was embarrassing, and one I couldn't embrace. Im sure anyone who really "knows me" will admit that in the past 3 1/2 years I haven't been the same person. The anger, stress, anxiety, and overwhelming feeling controlled me and I'm sure I wasn't fun to be around most time....and I know I wasn't the best Mom.
In August of last year, I had foot surgery. It left me dependent on others, and that darkness became more evident. As much as I tried to take care of myself, I needed help. I'm pretty sure I depended on the hubs more in the 2 weeks after surgery than I had through any of my pregnancies/ births. I didn't feel like myself & I was angry.....everything made me angry.
My foot continued to hurt months after the surgery, and I stayed off of it often. I gained weight, and I never slept. 2-3 hours a night was my normal and I knew it wasn't right. I was tired all the time, grouchy and nothing made me happy.
At the end of Jan. I finally made my appointment up with my PCP. My Blood Pressure and borderline diabetes had me at 6 month checkups, but my foot surgery had put me off schedule. I told Dr. H, I was miserable, over weight, my foot was still hurting, and that I never slept. He suggested a small something to help me sleep, and said once I got my sleep under control everything else would fall into place. I could take the meds as needed or once a night, it was completely up to me. I researched the medicine, and read that it was given for multiple symptoms, but figured I would try it daily.
2 1/2 weeks ago I decided that it was time to change. I was sleeping & feeling better, but still felt the heaviness of all the weight I had gained & the ache in my foot. I started watching my carbs, and counting calories - and it wasn't HARD. A week later I ordered a Fitbit and went to a reputable running store for them to put me in the shoes I needed in order to be active (and pain free). For the 1st time in YEARS I'm active & content. (I even got my Marathon Badge on my Fitbit for walking/running 26 miles in the past week).
Yesterday I had my annual appointment with Dr. T. He let me know that the Doctor who delivered EK had lost his license to Practice OB, within the past 6 mos. It was such a huge sigh of relief that no Mom would ever have to go through what I did. Then, as he was going over my med, he got to the one my PCP had prescribed to me for sleep. He said- and I quote "I'm so proud. You've been battling with this depression/PTSD since EK was born, and have been in denial the whole time. Do they seem to be helping?". I told him they were prescribed to help me sleep, to which he said "I don't care what they were prescribed for, do you feel better?... it was at that moment, that I realized I DID feel better. Better than I had in Years.
The point of this post? Sometimes, its ok to take the pill. Sometimes Doctors do know what they are doing, and sometimes, its OK to take their advice. They aren't all pill pushers just looking for a kickback. Sometimes, they may just really know what you need. I feel like I've missed out on so much because I was too stubborn to just listen to my doctors advice. I'm happier and healthier, and I just wish I would have listened the 1st time. At 37, I'm still learning and I'm hoping my kids will be proud that I have.
For 2 years, Dr. T tried to prescribe me something to "just make me feel ok". I refused, and never took any medications he suggested. I told him I would "be ok", and I continued on with my "life". The stigma of needing any medication to function was embarrassing, and one I couldn't embrace. Im sure anyone who really "knows me" will admit that in the past 3 1/2 years I haven't been the same person. The anger, stress, anxiety, and overwhelming feeling controlled me and I'm sure I wasn't fun to be around most time....and I know I wasn't the best Mom.
In August of last year, I had foot surgery. It left me dependent on others, and that darkness became more evident. As much as I tried to take care of myself, I needed help. I'm pretty sure I depended on the hubs more in the 2 weeks after surgery than I had through any of my pregnancies/ births. I didn't feel like myself & I was angry.....everything made me angry.
My foot continued to hurt months after the surgery, and I stayed off of it often. I gained weight, and I never slept. 2-3 hours a night was my normal and I knew it wasn't right. I was tired all the time, grouchy and nothing made me happy.
At the end of Jan. I finally made my appointment up with my PCP. My Blood Pressure and borderline diabetes had me at 6 month checkups, but my foot surgery had put me off schedule. I told Dr. H, I was miserable, over weight, my foot was still hurting, and that I never slept. He suggested a small something to help me sleep, and said once I got my sleep under control everything else would fall into place. I could take the meds as needed or once a night, it was completely up to me. I researched the medicine, and read that it was given for multiple symptoms, but figured I would try it daily.
2 1/2 weeks ago I decided that it was time to change. I was sleeping & feeling better, but still felt the heaviness of all the weight I had gained & the ache in my foot. I started watching my carbs, and counting calories - and it wasn't HARD. A week later I ordered a Fitbit and went to a reputable running store for them to put me in the shoes I needed in order to be active (and pain free). For the 1st time in YEARS I'm active & content. (I even got my Marathon Badge on my Fitbit for walking/running 26 miles in the past week).
Yesterday I had my annual appointment with Dr. T. He let me know that the Doctor who delivered EK had lost his license to Practice OB, within the past 6 mos. It was such a huge sigh of relief that no Mom would ever have to go through what I did. Then, as he was going over my med, he got to the one my PCP had prescribed to me for sleep. He said- and I quote "I'm so proud. You've been battling with this depression/PTSD since EK was born, and have been in denial the whole time. Do they seem to be helping?". I told him they were prescribed to help me sleep, to which he said "I don't care what they were prescribed for, do you feel better?... it was at that moment, that I realized I DID feel better. Better than I had in Years.
The point of this post? Sometimes, its ok to take the pill. Sometimes Doctors do know what they are doing, and sometimes, its OK to take their advice. They aren't all pill pushers just looking for a kickback. Sometimes, they may just really know what you need. I feel like I've missed out on so much because I was too stubborn to just listen to my doctors advice. I'm happier and healthier, and I just wish I would have listened the 1st time. At 37, I'm still learning and I'm hoping my kids will be proud that I have.
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